Thursday, October 14, 2021

Schadenfreude - Enjoying Someone's Misfortune

I'm 42, no kids, and have never been married.  And, I lead a completely fulfilling life taking naps whenever I darn well please.

Southerners + judgmental family members I don't even speak to: What's wrong with her?

Every one else: Damn, she's SMART!

The first thing I want to mention about single people attending church is that church (or at least in my experience) is not meant for single people.  It's meant for married people or people with families/kids.  And, that's TOTALLY fair!  I don't need to be a part of your religious country club.  I also don't need to be guilted because I finally decided to STOP trying to push my round self into a square hole!

Do churches do more than our Federal Government for local communities?  Absolutely

Are there good people who attend church who would also disagree wholeheartedly with everything I'm about to say (but at the same time never walked a day in my shoes as a single person attending churches)?  You bet!

Do I hate churches?  No

Do churches provide overwhelming resources and activities geared towards married people and families?  Yes

Are singles often times employed and used as "free labor" and "worker bees" in the church (because they are seen to have no life)?  Absolutely

Despite there be several bold single female leaders in the Bible, do church goers often see being single as a disease that must be immediately remedied and try to set you up with every loser in their family?  Hard yes

Bottom line: Through a series of personal experiences and learning that I just don't fit in, I'm not going back.  PERIOD!

  REAL LIFE EXAMPLE to backup what I'm laying down here?  One of the office staff members of the church I was attending in South Carolina told me that the church directors were working to defund the single's department, because that wasn't the "type of membership" they were looking for.  Plus, I can't tell you how many times I've walked into a church (cute and single) and watched the women clutch tightly to their men (the insecurity written all over their faces).  First, I'm not a homewrecking whore, and two, ain't nobody want your man, sister.

Another thing I'll say is that every "single's group" POST college age of any church I've attended is full of weirdos, socially inept people, or really bad people who like to attend churches to prey on single Christian women.  I've been in a situation before where I was terrified this guy would follow me out to my car and I would never be heard from again (thankfully this couple walked me to my car).

While I could come with enough stories to write an entire book on why I won't attend church anymore, I'll humor you with the proverbial straw that broke the Kimmie's back.  Rewind to last year.  I had just packed up everything I own in the back of my Subaru, drove through a torrential snow storm and arrived in Boulder County to start a new chapter of my life.  Boulder County decided to shut completely down over a virus with a 99.99% survival rate.  I remember walking up and down the sidewalk like I was in the "Twilight Zone."  So, like any person hoping to meet new "like minded" individuals in a new city, I decided to visit a local church. 

I found a church downtown within walking distance.  The church members seemed nice!  I was quickly invited to a women's Bible study.  Here, I would listen to and share intimate prayer requests with other women of the church.  I was invited on hikes, out to dinner (once the restaurants finally reopened at 30% capacity - because COVID is super smart and knows fractions).  It honestly felt like I was becoming part of the church family.  Not only did I tithe to this church, but when my family came to visit, I dragged them out in the cold to a candle light vigil (where we got hot wax on us and crazy Boulder County people yelling at us to put our masks on - true story -- as we were walking down the sidewalk to church, a man ran and hid behind a tree and pointed to his mouth gesturing for us to "mask it.")

I had not been attending long at all when the leadership came to me and asked me to become a greeter for their church.  I thought this was super ODD since I wasn't even a member of the church.  Alas, the pastor called me a "southern gem" and bragged about how lucky they were to have southern charm representing their church as a greeter.

Fast forward to last Valentine's Day 2021.  It was a balmy ZERO degrees in Boulder County and I was scheduled that morning as one of the greeter.  AGAIN, this was an UNPAID commitment I agreed to.  Why did I mention the temperature outside?  Because this church did not have a lobby.  You literally would walk into the front door right into the chapel.  So, greeters had to stand outside the church.  I woke up that morning and got ready.  It's kinda hard to look super cute when you have to prepare for zero degree weather.  Alas I did the best I could.

I showed up early, Colorado Kimmie style.  I helped all the men pull heaters from the spooky cellar basement.  I stood outside FREEZING to death greeting the congregation and visitors (remember now, that I was considered a visitor, too).  At some point while I was standing outside, and I'm not sure if it was from me "tearing" from the extreme temps or the wetness of the snow/precipitation in the air, but my mascara began to melt and run down my face.

Women (and men) who I had considered close friends and church family came up to hug me.  I remember the confused looks on both members and visitors faces.  The leader of the bible study came up to hug me and asked me, "Are you okay?" (which I thought was super odd at the time since I was standing there smiling and greeting everyone: "Welcome!  Happy Valentine's Day!"

So, this church allowed me to not only stand there looking like Alice Cooper before the service (and while people drove up and down Main Street), not one person said a thing to me while I sat in church, stood singing, greeting and hugging.  NOT ONLY THAT, they then allowed me to walk back outside and greet for the second service without saying ONE. SINGLE. WORD.



So, when I got in my car, I pulled down the rear view mirror and saw the horror of literal (I'm not even exaggerating with the photos) panda Alice Cooper marks on my face (all while I was innocently smiling and hugging on people for over two hours).  And, not one single church MEMBER told me.  I waited until I got home, and then I pulled out my phone and I texted the "women" (I put that in quotes, because a real woman would have told another woman to go to the bathroom to wipe her face) of my Bible study.  This isn't just a sourthern cultural thing, this is a UNIVERSAL COMMMON COURTESY from Tokyo Japan to Juno Alaska.  I've since deleted the texts, but paraphrasing - I asked them why nobody told me I had mascara, that apparently was not "zero degree weather proof," all over my face?

I was met with a LITANY of excuses.  Most of them were (paraphrasing) - "I felt too uncomfortable to tell you."  Or, "I didn't know if it was rude or not to tell you."  In fact, only ONE of them was decent enough to say (paraphrasing) - "Kimmie, I know how hurtful that was, and we all need to work to do better."  But, by that time it was too late.  There is no better way to create trust issues with a person who is doing FREE work as a non-member of your church.

If I get to the point where I ask myself: "Can I do better?"  And, the answer is a hard: "YES!!"  Then, I'm done and never coming back.  Recently, I was walking past this same church to get an apple fritter and a cup of joe the other day and saw a sign posted on the front of the church.  They had gone from three services to one!  So, while people can come with a litany of excuses as to why I was treated like that by not only CHRISTIANS but people I considered to be family + friends, it sure as HECK isn't the way to grow your church!  By the way, I later found out that Boulder County is the LEAST church going county in AMERICA!  And, this pastor was sent from Texas to grow this church.

GOLDEN RULE: If you wouldn't like to walk around with YOUR fly open, a gnarly booger hanging from your nose, or melted mascara running down your face, then you should probably tell the person who has their fly open, a snotty booger or mascara running down their face.  Otherwise it's seen as the enjoyment of other people's misfortunes or what the Germans call "schadenfreude" (which I still believe these women partook of that day).

I'll end with a story from Croatia.  I've been telling a lot of stories about Croatia lately (because I happen to know the people I met there read my blog).  But, I met a fertility doctor there.  And, when he was introduced to our group, he had the BIGGEST most gigantic gnarliest ass booger hanging from his nose.  I immediately took him aside from the group and told him he had a massive clinger.  He told me that I was a "GOOD FRIEND."  And, to that I say this:  That doesn't make me a good friend, it makes me a decent human being.

Stop judging people who don't attend church every Sunday and focus on your own life (because, truth be told, people would prefer NOT to be around judgmental people like you anyways!)  And, to the man who invited me to church this week and told me that my soul depended on it, I'm still waiting on the scripture to back that comment.  I'll wait.

I live in THE most atheist/agnostic stranglehold of Colo-radical.  Yet, I will still say this - Organized religion has taken a lot of hits worldwide.  It shames me that Catholics are considered Christians after they protected pedophile priests.  Looking back on my 42 years, some of the most awful backstabbing people I've met in my life were professed Christians.  Read that again.

Lovingly,

Kimmie


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