Friday, August 12, 2022

Abraham Shakespeare

Annnnd the winning numbers arrrrre…

The Mega Millions lotto went down a few weekends ago, and I was eating guacamole and fajitas with friends and washing it down with cerveza as they called the winning numbers.  Nobody at our table won, unless you consider that guacamole a win (which I did, along with the Texas-style mesquite fajitas).  There were many winners that night all over the country, but I’m pretty sure the big winner was an airline flight attendant from Illinois.   The state of Illinois is fortunately one of the states that doesn’t require a posting of the winner and actually allows anonymity, which is a good thing!  People will come crawling out of the woodwork as soon as they publish your name, and winners have attested to this nightmare to the point many published winners have to go into hiding and become a recluse.  

She cuts her teeth on wedding rings in the movies 

I had always heard, in passing, about the curse of the lottery, but I never really actually believed it.  I thought maybe it was one of those urban legends serving to detract you from doing anything remotely fun.  As with most rabbit holes, I immediately jumped down, and  I started researching the lottery curse on my phone.  And, I quickly realized that, like the actual lottery itself, the odds ain’t really in your favor.  Wasn’t it Ambrose Bierce who said that the lottery is nothing more than a tax on stupid people?  But then the reciprocal argument would be:  you can only win if you play!   It’s almost like a government-run social experiment to show how free money can’t build wealth or buy happiness, even when it’s straight handed to you in enormous lump sums, minus all the taxes that go right back into to the government-run social experiment which is around 40% of your earnings.   

First, statistically speaking, over 70% of winners are destitute and miserable within 7 years of cashing in.  Seven in ten people fair WORSE after winning the lottery than their simple and peaceful lives before the big win!  Have you ever seen the movie “A Simple Plan” with Billy Bob Thornton and Bill Paxton?  It’s one of my favorite movies themed around “the things that you own end up owning you.”

From really strong marriages completely crumbling to people’s lives being destroyed to the very core, there are not very many long-term happy endings produced from lottery winnings.  Probably the worst one I read about was Abraham Shakespeare, from Tampa, Florida.  With a birth name like that, you know his life would turn out stranger than fiction. He was an illiterate black man, an hourly manual laborer, who randomly won the $30 million lottery in 2009, and his life legit came unglued.  He was riding with some other workers that day and went in to buy a drink and use the restroom and fatefully bought a lottery ticket.

Abraham Shakespeare

Suddenly, out of nowhere this blonde woman, Dorice Moore, with an unbeknownst history of being a transient and a shyster, befriended him with promises to grow his earnings.  And, by 2010 ol’ Abraham vanished into thin air.  It’s like he fell off the earth.  He went missing, and nobody, not even his family knew where he was.  They found “poor” Abraham in a block of concrete buried in the back yard after using ground penetrating sonar.  Dorice is serving a life sentence for the murder of Abraham with no chance of parole.

Abraham published on his big day and Dorice the psychopath…

Sometimes you think the lottery will solve everything, but the truth is, the odds are not great at all.  Many winners have attested that they wished they had immediately ripped up their lottery ticket!

May the odds forever be in your favor,


Wednesday, August 3, 2022

Schooner or Later: Dock Dynasty

Ello Mates!

I was sitting on the back of a boat full of guys after tying off with my friend.  We had paddle boarded from her boat over to a boat party where these guys offered us pizza.  We were being handed beer and jello shots for just being cute in a bikini, and the club music was pumping.  A boat of 20 somethings had just cruised into the cove and were booty dancing on one of those inflatable dance floors.  The sun was beaming and there wasn't a cloud in the sky.  The breeze was incredible...which brings me to some theme music.  What's a Colorado Kimmie blog without some tunes?  Sorry no club music here...

Okay, where was I?  Oh having already experienced a black out drunk moment my first time on a lake in Colorado, I knew that you really have to know your limits, have plenty of food, and plenty of water.  The sun exacerbates and highly amplifies the sedative effects of a delicious alcoholic beverage.   Most people have social anxiety and are afraid of meeting new people, which is why a lot of people go to bars to drink and socialize.  That makes alcohol THE most abused drug in America due to the self-medicating use to cure social anxiety.

Damn, I digressed again...

When I blacked out, I was extremely lucky as I had some good friends who knew how to take care of people who misjudge the power of the sun and lake.  The sun is no joke here!  We're a mile high!  So, also the air is much thinner so the radiation is much more intense.  We get brighter and way more sun than people in Florida. So, I was mildly buzzed while being completely aware of my surroundings, feeling amazing, and rocking on the boat watching the MTV Jersey Shores lake party scene unfold - and, I was thoroughly amused with my people watching.  I had also been lending a hand to females as they hopped from boat to boat.

Suddenly I heard an intense thud which then ricocheted or bounced and until there was a noticeable  splash.  At first I thought a cooler had fallen over.  The music was so loud, I don't think anyone heard the noise.  Suddenly, I did a quick head count and realized we were short one boat bitch.  I stood up to see it was a girl who had misjudged the landing and bounced her head and body hitting between boats before submerging down into the lake.  I had seen her swimming earlier, completely intoxicated with no life jacket.  And, that's so dangerous!  Because on the lake anything can happen in the matter of seconds and you're drowned.  Did you know you can drown on a thimble full of water.  Everyone assumes you have to be completely submerged in water to drown, and ya don't.  Same with free climbing and a sudden wind gust and gravity moving at 9.8 meters per second.  Mother Nature can be cruel sometimes when you're just trying to have fun ! 

Anyways, I looked down and saw her sinking and a moment of panic sunk in (excuse the pun) as I contemplated whether I would dive in after her.  I have an irrational fear of getting stuck under an object and suffocating.  I looked to see those big bumper balls between the boats which prevented them from rocking together.  Without bumpers you should never dive in between boats, because the wake of a passing boat or the wind can cause the boats to crush someone.  And then suddenly she emerged gasping for air!  I reached down to grab her hand and she was freaking out and you could tell in her eyes she hit her head pretty hard - the hit knocked the sense out of her to where if she had seen a cop she could have said, "What seems to be the officer, problem?" She kept going, "Immokayimmokkayimmokay!"  On a side note, do you know why dead people float?  People that can't swim will end up swimming when they're dead.  Why?  Because your lungs are your natural buoyance flotation device, kinda a built in "swimmie."  Also, as with every emergency, if you stay calm and relaxed, you actually have better chances of survival.  They teach this crap in SCUBA.

I wasn't strong enough to pull her out of the water.  Meanwhile she kept kicking and swimming into the ropes where we had tied off our bitching paddle boards, making it even more difficult to get her out.  I was yelling for the guys to help me pull her back up.  When we finally got her out of the lake, she was bleeding out of her bikini, and when she pulled down her bottoms she had two huge open gashes on her hip.  They were gaping open, and she was slurring her speech and trying to tell us that she used to be a paramedic and could stich herself up later.  However, I knew she was going to pass out in the very near future from intoxication and the volume of blood lost.  So, I asked the boat captain, "Hey skip, where yer first aid kit at?"  And, we proceeded to clean her wounds, placed butterfly bandages on her gashed wounds, and then gauzed and taped her.  I'm not sure what ever happened to her.  The party sorta ended after that.  Kinda a buzz kill...however, they said "nothing good after 4 p.m. happens on the lake."

Oh, except for this one random guy on the neighboring boat, after we had completed first aid, yelled out to her: "Hey, the important thing is, are you still gonna be able to get wet for your boyfriend tonight?"  This is probably THE most douche comment that could ever be made at that moment in time.  Obviously, I didn't find it funny and called him down.  At which point he informed me: "You should feel lucky I have patience with you."  The last person who spoke to me like that is in the cemetery, and I don't mean from old age.  But, seriously, why did he have to be so "stern?"  Okay, KNOT funny.  He probably graduated last in class but NAUT least.  He was not FERRY impressive.  I told that BUOY to kiss my MASS.  This guy probably sends a lot of unsolicited DECK pics.

Okay, I'm all punned out.

So, the afternoon ended as we hopped on the paddle board and paddled back to the boat.  The drunk injured girl took off on the boat with the guys.  I can only hope she didn't have a concussion and she's okay.  

I wanna leave y'all with one last boating tip.  I knew a girl once who was out boating and fell off the back of the boat and her her hair got wrapped up in the propeller and it scalped her and killed her.  Boats are powerful machines.  So, when people are playing off the back, have the key completely out of the ignition so nobody even has the chance to bump into it and accidentally start the boat.  Also, some boats will allow you lift the engine out of the water when you're anchoring for added safety.

While we're talking about maritime subjects, what's the cheapest boat to buy?  Leave your answer in the comments below and winner will receive a huge congratulations for reading this far.

Enjoy some pictures from my Summer trips to the lake.  I took some of these right before SHIP hit the fan this past weekend...

I try not to have my phone out much at the lake since I carry zero insurance on an iPhone.  But this was the beginnings of the party as the boats were just tying off…
The views here are so “Lord of the Rings”…

Vodka lemonades, my aperitif of choice… 

Sudden summer lightning storm…but, I like z’rain…

Pumping up z’board…

Love is a SHORE thang, (click me for eyes that could steal a sailor from the sea)


Abraham Shakespeare

Annnnd the winning numbers arrrrre… The Mega Millions lotto went down a few weekends ago, and I was eating guacamole and fajitas with friend...