This post is dedicated to a few female supervisors of my past: I'm so glad I no longer work with you! Also, if anyone reading this is "on the fence" about what to do next, I hope this is the sign you need! No amount of money is worth abuse. Know your worth!
If asked what kind of personality trait I have the hardest time understanding (albeit I've recently dug into some research on the topic) or even jiving with (whether it be friendships, coworkers/supervisors in the workplace, and DEFINITELY romantic relationships), it has to be, hands down, HYPER CRITICAL PEOPLE! They drive me nuts, up the wall...and I just can't...I can't do it. We have all had our experiences with them. They are usually recovering perfectionists themselves. And, the irony of it is THEY are usually the ones making the most mistakes. YET, they can't stomach human error in others in the slightest. So, not only are they hyper critical, they are hypocritical.
The absolute worse is working with or working for a hyper critical person! Let's face it, most of us spend the MAJORITY of our lives AT work. So it can get very toxic working with them. I'm not dismissing those who have to go to bed at night with a highly critical person. That has to be hell.
Having a lot of management experience, I live by the mantra: "If you're not mistakes you're not doing anything!" Mistakes should be taken as learning experiences and not a hidden book to tally failure in others. Mistakes/errors actually show people are rolling up their sleeves and getting busy! And, mistakes are TO BE EXPECTED when people are training/learning...
So let's dig right in...some insufferable traits of hypercritical people:
First and foremost, highly critical people are super insecure! Therefore they project their own insecurities on other as a way to validate themselves and make themselves seem more superior or more important than they really are. This is why when you are in the cross-hairs of an HCP, you shouldn't take it personally (so hard to do when you're being criticized, I know)...
They will talk smack about everyone else (no one is immune: not their boss, not the CEO, not HR, not even their closest confidante). But, "everyone else" will be soon be you when you're not around! They never have anything nice to say about others. In fact they smile and relish when pointing out the flaws in others.
They are micromanagers! They have a hard time delegating, but when they do, they may as well do it themselves (because nothing can be done right unless they do it...or, at least that's what they tell themselves). They may even set you up for failure or sabotage your work.
Some psychologists evaluate hyper critical tendencies as a mental disorder. Take someone who exhibits traits of: "If I see it, I have to fix" ALL. THE. TIME. They sometimes take it to such extremes that they don't even care how it affects others, how it hurts the morale of the group, or even if it impairs their own performance or reputation.
This is what is so ironic! More often than not, the critic usually attacks and deplores in other what he/she hates about himself/herself. So, in essence, he/she becomes even more aggravated and insufferable chronically projecting.
They don't just monitor other's behavior, they beat people up, calling them failures and stating how little confidence they have in them. (Sending out positive energies to you right now if you are married to an HSP...sprinkles + fairy dust).
It's a psychological defense mechanisms that essentially allows a person to deny their own insufficiencies by making others look bad. People like this in the workplace usually runoff highly talented individuals. How? Besides chronically criticizing them (while they, themselves, do no work) they usually give subordinates menial tasks/assignments because they feel threatened by their true abilities. They withhold training their "subordinates" to their true potential, because they are afraid of being replaced. And, lastly, these people are a major threat to company morale. Never underestimate the power of company morale and attitude. A bad morale can spread like wildfire. Many psychologist who study this behavior reflect that hyper critical people also display hyper-rigid moralism (better than though mentality) + intense bias against those they see as "transgressors." Ironically, the hyper-rigid + critical person is highly flawed themselves.
If you try and reason with the hyper critical person, they rarely can offer any solutions to meet their unattainable demands. Example: I asked a hyper critical "boss" how I could achieve higher scores on a performance review and she stated: "you would need to be Jesus Christ and walk on water" and "with more time and experience" (neither of which I had any control over)...
Instead of rose colored glasses, hyper critical people wear jade colored glasses. They have a "one size fits all" mentality. All pretty girls are dumb. Southern girls who suddenly exhibit boundaries are displaying "tone" with them.
They always look for what is wrong before what is right. They will chronically accuse you of things (such as losing and misplacing things) and then later find out you did nothing wrong. Additionally, when asking for advice, they will focus on everything that could go wrong. Never ever go to an HCP for advice. Lesson learned!
The speak in hyperbole. If you have to reset a password, you "have chronic issues with password management." If you have one typo and misspell a name, "you frequently misspell executive's names." I'm no doctor, but that's mental.
Usually, hyper critical females will display hyper jealousy and be threatened by other females (especially if other females are well liked in a group/organization).
They can bring you down to the lowest point you can possibly feel without any forewarning and feel perfectly fine doing it. If you get upset, they somehow will make themselves the victim of their own behavior. Again hypercritical people are only pointing out flaws in others and chronically fail at looking inward to their own toxic traits.
Let's face it, we all know our flaw(s) better than anyone else, so it's really toxic to be around someone constantly pointing them out (especially in a relationship).
They offer solutions to...(wait for it)...non-existent problems. True story! I got a work review from a hyper critical "boss" who suggested solutions for things I had never done. This still makes zero sense to me. Alas, she had zero management experience, and zero experience + a hyper critical personality makes for a train wreck. RUN!!!
So, let's talk some SOLUTIONS THAT WORK (when dealing with hyper critical people)!
When working with hypercritical people, we will always resort to fight or flight. I'm a fighter. Sometimes, this will work. 9/10 it won't. While people publicly praise strong females who know their worth and stick up for themselves, this is rarely the case in the reality we live in. Therefore, I would say "avoidance" is the best solution. Avoid these people at ALL COSTS! Which is so hard when your hyper critical boss is a micromanager standing over your shoulder 75% of the day. (With this being said, I will continue to be a fighter until the day I die, because I'm nothing if not truly authentic).
Force the hyper critic to produce documentation on performance reviews! Yes, manager with an ounce of training should already know this. A manager should be able to produce a pattern showing or backing up a hyper critical review.
In the workplace, leadership should show/demonstrate outwardly to all employees that you ignore fault finders and reward problem solvers. Encourage grace, transparency and forgiveness. In reality, there are few mistakes that can't be fixed. If things become PATTERNS, then yes, they can't be ignored. But, people in positions of being supervisors should not tick off every little mistake. Nitpicky-ness is a trait that turns everyone's stomach and people will start RUNNING when they see you.
Know your worth! If someone makes you feel like you're not valuable, then leave the situation! Read that again. This is exactly why hypercritical people usually scare off the talent. You can usually find patterns with them (such as 4 people leaving in a short time frame). Talented people know their worth and what they know what they bring to the table. And, they will not, for one minute, tolerate this behavior. People who do the bare minimum are much better at taking criticism with a grain a salt. But, when you put your heart and soul into your work + work overtime and work your butt off, it's much harder to stomach chronic criticism.
I mentioned earlier: Limit contact! However, eventually for peace of mind and mental health (and because you do spend the majority of your time at work), you'll want to end the relationship with the hyper critical person. QUIT! I promise it's not worth it. You can NOT put a price tag on health and peace of mind. (This is hard if it's family related. Therefore, you'll need to learn boundaries. Maybe I can do a post soon on boundaries. Boundaries are the ultimate self-care)...
Imagine you had their voice in your head all day every day. YUCK! Feel sorry for them. That's how they live their life. Also, sometimes the hypercritical person was bullied or abused growing up. Sadly they never dealt with the pain in healthy positive ways, so they continually project negativity on others. Sadly you can rinse and repeat this behavior, because these people will become terrible parents (who had terrible parents + their child will become a terrible parent).
MOST IMPORTANTLY! Don't let their negative projections affect how you see the world. If you've worked for a highly critical person, you know how abusive it is to experience that day in and day out. You may stop working out, start eating like shit, and stop loving yourself over time. It's important to start working on your self esteem. Their toxicity is contagious, so don't let it affect how you see others.
For everyone who has ever had to deal with a hyper critical person, I hope this publication has brought some light to how you were feeling + gave you closure to be able to look into a brighter and better future and never look back! The goal is to get to this point: "I don't think about you at all." - Don Draper
A clip from Mad Men:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K4Ksoizbl2s
Best of luck,
Kimmie
