The Fatherless Syndrome

Happy Father's Day!

The older I've gotten, the more I realize how much I took for granted my upbringing and having a loving and supportive dad.  My Dad has ultimately shaped who I am and where I am today.  I just got off the phone with him earlier and thanked him so much for his important role in my life.  Very critical decisions (even as recently as this year) were made because of how my father raised me to be a strong independent woman.  

Hanging out with my dad (the dogs weren’t in much of a mood for picture time)

My dad on his last visit to Colorado!

My parents are still married, which is almost unheard of in today's society.  I grew up in a healthy Christian household with morals, firm foundations of values, and an abundance of love and support, BECAUSE of my dad.  For kids today to get that same opportunity is oddly enough, almost unheard of.  Why is that?  Is there any one reason that can be pinpointed?  I know in my dating experience in my 40s, it makes it harder for me to meet equally yoked potential partners, because it is so rare to find men who were raised in loving households.  And believe me, it matters.  I tried for many years to make myself believe it doesn't matter, but how a person was raised is reflected in every aspect of life - specifically his personal decision making and how he treats the women in his life.

Today one in FOUR children in America have no father.  Personally, I think this is a generous statistic (meaning, I think this statistic is much higher - more like 40-50%).  The African American community alone represents over 80% of fatherless children.  That's 8 out of 10 black kids born with no father.  As a nation, we now have AT LEAST twenty-five percent of kids growing up in a single-parent household.  Nearly 25 million kids have an absentee father.  So, what's my point?  Why does this matter?  

Statistically, kids with no father are more likely to experience the effects of poverty, more likely to be absued, have emotional problems, have difficulties with social adjustment, engage in high risk sexual behaviors, repeat the cycle of having fatherless kids, look to the government for assistance / housing / healthcare / $$ to raise their own kids, are more susceptible to addiction, more likely to go to jail/prison, more likely to struggle academically or to drop out of school (71% of dropouts come from absentee father households), more likely to have lower paying jobs or more likely to have professional development issues and not apply themselves, higher likelihood of obesity or eating disorders, have a higher likelihood of suicide or self-harm, and are more likely to be a dredge on society.  

Single parents dating can bring in questionable strangers into a home.  They can be emotionally, physically, psychology and even sexual abusive.  They can steal sentimental things, valuable assets, and or critical funding to feed the family.  But, why does nobody want to talk about these statistics?  Well, number one, it's very hard to fix this problem.  And, the truth is (drumroll please) offensive.  Democrat politicians are greedy for power, prestige, influence, and money and are more than happy to have Democrat votes.  Democrats votes come from those who depend on the system.  

Since America decided God was just too offensive and must be taken out of schools, the government has campaigned and ingrained that a village, not a father, is what children need to succeed.  Even Reverend Martin Luther King is referred to as Dr. King now.  Most importantly, the growth of poverty-ridden households is directly linked to the overwhelming growth of households led by single mothers - not the lack of equality or equity, as our government would love for you to think.  On that topic, America is SO bad and SO unequal and so IRRECONCILABLY EVIL that people float hundreds of miles on rafts in shark infested waters to get here.  And then walk through deserts with sweltering heat and no water to get here.  America is THAT bad.

I'll start with women without fathers:

There have been many links back to the "no fault" divorce that makes fathers "optional."  In the the world of psychology, Fatherless Daughter Syndrome, colloquially known as "daddy issues," is an emotional disorder experienced by a lot of women that leads to cycles of repeated trust and abandonment issues, dysfunctional decision patterns, and lack of self-esteem with men throughout adulthood.  Fathers are supposed to provide their daughters with a healthy masculine example.  A good father will teach his daughter about boundaries and respect, protection, discipline, guidance, confidence, and absolute love.  

I can fully give credit to my dad for instilling in me the wisdom and knowledge of recognizing signs of  when a relationship has become toxic, unhealthy, and abusive, and when to politely exit stage left.  Why?  Because my dad gave me a healthy example of how he treated my mom during my very crucial formative years - he instilled in me a living example of how a woman should be treated.  Not only that, a dad is a little girl's first male friend, first cheerleader, first love, and first defender/protector. 

On the flip side, and I've seen this in my friendships with fatherless women -- the emotional effects of being abandoned by a father are: settling for abusive behavior due to an overwhelming fear of abandonment, an overwhelming difficultly navigating the emotions that come with intimate relationships, higher levels of anger while navigating through relationships with men, and general feelings of unhappiness when in a relationship with a man.  Also, sadly, the emotional trauma of losing a father creates a void that many woman will try to fill by any and all means possible.

Men without fathers:

There's a direct correlation between fatherless boys and teen violence.  Throughout the entire 1960's, there were a total of six mass shootings.  At that time, only 4% of kids were raised without a father.  Now, fast forward to 2012 alone, America saw more mass shootings than the entire decade of the 1960's.

The dominant role of fathers is preventing delinquency, along with providing security and basic needs.  Young men with no fathers are devoid of what healthy masculinity looks like.  Many young men will look to gangs as family and to fill the role of absentee fathers.  Two of the strongest links between gun homicides are growing up in a fatherless household and dropping out of school (the latter highly linked to the first correlation).

While we try to find any and all scapegoat we can (gun control, white supremacy, video games, drugs), we continually ignore the root of the problem: the household, the formative years.  We just won't even discuss it.  Recently, our President made a comment that there are other countries with gun that don't experience the same gun crimes and mass shootings that we do.  He mentioned Japan.  First Japan is an island.  Geographically you don’t just march over the border into Japan.  They have strict immigration policies.  For example, Canada won’t allow you in unless you have a Master’s degree (statistically earning higher). In Japan, kids grow up with a mother AND a father!  Japan has not experienced the fatherless syndrome wave that the US is experiencing.

Joe Biden's recent comments caused me to pause and do some research.  It was weird to me how when Kyle Rittenhouse defended himself with a gun, HE was the perpetrator...but in the Uvalde shooting, it was clearly the gun's fault.  Does anyone else besides me pick up on this inconsistencies, depending on the narrative and shooter?  In the wake of the recent Uvalde school shooting, I researched into the Sandy Hook shooting.  It shocked me to learn the similarities of these two young demonic animals.  Both were from fatherless households - completely void of male role models in their upbringing.  From there, I started digging a bit deeper to find that there was, indeed, a common denominator with a lot of perpetuators of violent crimes.  Take a look at this list of fatherless men:

Dylann Roof, the 21 year old who shot up the church in Charleston

Dedrick Owens - youngest school shooter

Nikalos Cruz - Marjory Stoneman Douglas Highschool, Parkland shooter

Adam Lanza, the Sandy Hook shooter

Jeff Weise, 16 year old who shot ten people

The Boston Marathon bombers terrorists

Salvador Ramos, Uvalde school shooter

Jeffrey Dahlmer - serial killer

Ted Bundy - serial killer

Richard Ramirez - serial killer

I'm going to pause here on this list, because you can absolutely do your own research to see there is a clear link in violent behavior and fatherless families!  I want to take advantage of a sunny afternoon and a bike ride.  I moved last weekend and am still exploring my new surroundings!

Here's a toast this Father's Day and I'm raising my glass!

To all the men who stepped up to the plate to support their kids by being physically, emotionally, spiritually, and financially present - who keep promises to their kids, make sacrifices, and put their children first, I salute you.  

To the men who can't take care of the children they already have produced and want to have more kids with other women, please consider a "snip" in the very near future.  We need you to end this cycle for the sake of society.  Please focus on the children you have already brought into this world.  They are going to need you more than ever.

To any women out there dating single fathers, pay special attention to how they treat their ex and how  raise their children amidst a divorce.  Do they keep promises they make?  Do they get drunk around their minor children and drop "f" bombs like it's completely normal?  Are they providing in every way possible?  Because bottom line: you're probably going to come in last to his kids (which is fair), but if he can't provide and keep promises to his kids, don't hold your breath, sister!  Also, it's okay to find out why his marriage or last relationship didn't work, making him a PT dad.  You owe it to yourself to know these things.

Thanks for stopping in!  And, if you're fortunate enough to still have your dad, don't forget to call and tell him thank you and that you love him today!  To those who were raised with absentee fathers, I hope you take the time to heal.  Healing is possible, always.  It's hard word but doable.

Kimmie