Hey Pals!
I hope you had an excellent Thanksgiving (my favorite holiday of the entire year as a bonafide foodie). Plus I got to cuddle with two little Ewoks (shih tzus) for a week straight! It was heaven. Now I understand why these are emotional support dogs.
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| Walking down by the Mississippi River at Mud Island and looking at all the properties I used to manage in another life. |
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| Still, my favorite house on the river. Minimalist and modern, Like me! |
Earlier today I was inspired to write something weighing on my heart, and although I still want to share those same sentiments, an odd and unexpected occurrence happened to me this afternoon that put a new perspective, or spin, on things.
I take a train into the city at least three times a week, and I never ever ever ever EVER have totally missed my stop. But, I just had such a weird day today - especially picking up on some weird energies from people. Anyway, I was on the train home from downtown Denver and just got so engrossed in thought that this young woman came up to me and touched me on the shoulder and said, "Ma'am, this is the last stop." And, I looked up expecting to see the train cop or an Rail Transit of Denver employee, but it was a fellow passenger. And, she just smiled with the most beautiful, warm smile. And, I laughed and thought briefly, "Geez, Kimmie how long would you have sat here?" But, I fumbled with my bag and explained to the girl that I totally missed my stop by not paying attention.
We walked off the train together and it was cold! Usually I can handle the dry cold in Colorado until the wind starts blowing...brrrrrrr. I immediately noticed this other woman. I'm not really sure if she's homeless but she clearly suffers from a mental disorder or some sort of demons. I remember her from one day when I was sitting on the train at Union Station. I was reading a book and waiting for the train for my train to leave and she boarded, suddenly got right up in my face, and started shouting some really crazy things. And, there she was again, today, shouting "you stupid f*ckin' n*gger, f*ck you!" (along with a host of other rather unflattering names and slurs.) I mean, I think she may be imagining people?
And, I turned back around and the girl was still standing there with me. She had just stopped (usually everyone is in such a hurry to get home) and just kept this warm smile on her face watching the lady with me. It was such a truly genuine beautiful smile. She wasn't beautiful like in the way of photoshopped perfection you see online. She was a better kind of beautiful. She glowed. And, she looked at me and then looked up at the sky and she said, "Well, it's getting kinda dark. Would you like for me to stand here with you so you're not scared?" And, I looked at her in her eyes and she was being completely sincere. I explained that I would be fine even though I kinda wanted her to keep standing there, because I was so drawn to her light, kindness, and warmth. And, I needed it. Perhaps to reignite my own dimmed light. And, in an ultimate act of kindness as I stood there shivering, she took off her gloves and asked me if I needed them. I politely declined and she smiled again and said, "well, I'm heading to my warm car and won't need them." I asked for her name and she said "Dannie! What's yours?" I told her my name and thanked her for her kindness. And, then she turned around one last time and said, "I'm sorry I've already forgotten your name." And, that's when I knew she was me...or who I'm supposed to be. Let me explain.
And, I'm telling you this because it was just us alone on this train deck - not a single soul around (aside from the woman possibly suffering from schizophrenia who had eventually walked away to start crying in a bus stop and you could hear her faint whimpers). And, I think after recent life experiences and being let down by own expectations of humanity, God was showing me a reflection of me and who I am and who I am supposed to be to the world. Dannie, thanks for the reminder! Dannie said she always takes this same train, but I've never seen her before. I've been taking this train for roughly 10 months and am a professional people watcher! She was a great illustrative example of the light I'm supposed to shine.
And, now to the sentiments I wanted to share. Everyone has a vice, and everyone has a toxic trait, if not many. To say you don't have either is simply lying to yourself. We are all toxic in some way. But, the key point here is to recognize it and work on it. We are all unfinished. Vices. As I said, everyone has one. Also, everyone has a chapter they don't read out loud. Today I spoke with one of my closest friends. Believe it or not, we met on Match.com, a dating website, and have remained friends to this day. Our best memories of living in South Carolina are each other and the fun times we had. Today he told me that he is one year sober. And, I wish I was closer to be able to celebrate with a nice dinner and walk on the beach and maybe a shot of bourbon wit a lime twist. Just kidding. We started talking about vices and then weaknesses, and I realized one of my greatest setbacks or vulnerabilities is that I walk into situations assuming everyone was raised like me. My Achilles' tendon/heal is my own expectations. It's actually called an anchoring bias. I'll let you look it up, but it effects how one judges stimuli. And, it really goes without saying that the past few years have made it really hard dealing with this susceptibility.
Seriously, though my expectations are very low. I'm basically like, "please just be a decent person," and I can't seem to find that. Is it just me who has recently succumbed to, "wow, what a cesspool of shit this world has become?" I mean frankly in a relationship, I'm one of the most low maintenance females I know. For the most part, I do not like to be smothered and enjoy my space and alone time. Make me laugh - and that is a huge bonus. Inspire me, even better. But, I ask that you don't lie to me and that you keep promises, plans, and commitments. And, it's laughable how hard it is to find that these days. People are too busy trying to psychoanalyze everyone instead of just being a genuinely good person and practicing love. I mean it's really sad, if it wasn't so funny. Emotional intelligence has become a rarity. Dating for me has been reduced to: Spending 4-6 weeks in someone's company to glean why they're single in the first place.
But, here's the thing. Things could be worse than to be let down by my own expectations. Granted, I'm blessed that I'm in a position not to ever have to settle: I'm independent and self-sufficient. The worst thing is I could very well be them - pardoned by the world! And, it's okay to be like "Just because the world acts like monsters...nah, that ain't for me." And what a miserable place to be in - to be them. Because the way people treat you has nothing to do with you. It's a reflection of how they feel about themselves. If you don't love yourself, there's absolutely no way to love another. If you don't respect yourself, you can't respect others. Period.
So, please don't let the dullness in others take away your shine. You deserve to be filled the same way you pour. Keep loving and keep shining. What's meant for you will find it's way. Just relax, and enjoy the trip. Fortunately for me, I live in a large city that was just ranked #3 as best dating in the USA. Meaning, if a guy treats like shit, believe it. Shrug it of, get back on the saddle (after you've shined your boots of course). The ladies are in the driver’s seat with so many single men in Denver! Oh this reminds me of a quick joke: “I had someone of a religious breakup…yeah, he thought he was God and I didn’t.”
Lastly, don’t forget to smile. I know it causes wrinkles but it’s beautiful. Focus on the Dannies in the world and that radiance and energy will start a whole damn fire! It's contagious.
Love,
Kimmie
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