Dear God,
I feel like this is one of the most important things I'm attempting to write in my whole entire life. So, no pressure. (nervous laugh). I wanted to share with the world what you did for me, because I still can't believe it. I love you so much, and I'm so grateful you never gave up on me. Because, I know I fought you the entire way. I believe you're sending me an agape love here on Earth in the form of a time traveler. And, I wanted to thank you for that. I didn't even know I could deserve that.
Oh, and God? One more thing. Can you do what you did for me to the entire world? I think it would start a revolution! And, you can totally do it through me if you want. I'm ready! Put me in, COACH! All these years I took my family for granted, but I realize now they prepared me to serve you. Can you please help me repay them? My mom and dad tell me they pray for me every single night and my mom always tells me she has a lot of people praying for me. That's the BEST thing anyone could ever gift me with is prayers. Thank you for my brother! He's my biggest fan and believes in me. And, I know that's rare. Ahhhh, am I forgetting anything? What am I talking about? This won't be the last time we talk. I am absolutely IN LOVE with our new friendship, and I'm going to guard it with my life.
Love, Kimmie
My Redemption Song
Queue first song of my journey:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u1V8YRJnr4Q
I ran. I ran as far away from God as I possibly could. Because, truth be told, I've been backstabbed and hurt by more "Christians" than I care to tally up. And, I just kept getting knocked down over and over and over again. It was really painful. I sold everything and drove out west with my favorite possessions that would fit in my Subaru...guitar, record player, some clothes. And, then I wandered out in the desert (not for 40 years, thankfully...yet) and I dimmed my light so it wouldn't offend others. I remember being so humbled as I was kneeling down before a toilet in a vacation rental scrubbing urine and pubes off the floor and thinking, "Wow, thanks, God!"
Right before Thanksgiving break, I was traveling home from Estes Park, and I either had some visions or I saw some extremely crazy shit. It SCARED me! I was trying to drive home from Estes Park, when my GPS suddenly diverted me down this highway I had never gone this route before. A few things ran through my head. Either there was a rock slide or forest fire on my normal route OR the NSA was playing with me (because I had been pretty rebellious on Instagram dropping truths left and right and my FB account had already been deleted last summer) Anyways, what I saw I'll keep to myself as I don't want my guns taken away. But, I know now it was very symbolic, and I very well could have died that night.
And, then, I suddenly got fired from that job right before Christmas and couldn't find work anywhere. And, it sent me on a downward spiral. I didn't even want to bathe. I didn't want to go outside. I didn't want to eat. I only wanted darkness. But, it as a good thing. Because here's what happened. God took my sleep away from me. I guess He knew I couldn't function without it. Not to mention, at 42, a girl needs her beauty sleep. So, I got so tired. Like, a kind of tired I've never felt before. I was delirious, stumbling and falling as I went from room to room in my apartment. I vomited once. And, it scared me! I was all alone. But, it was mostly dry heaving because I lost my appetite, and I LOVE food. So, without food or sleep I grew so weak and so tired. And, I was so scared, because I'm used to having to be strong and fight. All my life, I've fought so hard for everything. And, every time, I fell on my ass. Luckily I have some good padding.
During my delusion, I fell completely backwards on my back. And, I laid there completely helpless. I had been crying steady for a few days. But, what happened next was crazy. I rained tears. Like, buckets of em. And, they flowed and flowed. And, I had read once that anger is a mask for sadness. And, I didn't really know if that was true. But, I suddenly felt my heart lifted and I felt the anger released out of my body. I could FINALLY deal with my pain. And, flashes came back to me. Every decision I had made. Every time I ran from God and his plan for me. A few time I gave God the middle finger. And, I'm sorry for that. I was just so angry. And, the anger was a defense mechanism. It was self preservation. I had built a wall and wouldn't let anyone in. And, God not only lowered my wall for a time traveler from the future, he prepared me for the greatest love of my life. He was feeding me manna. And, I was so starved!
And, as I was laying there completely helpless, I said, "God, I thought you had forgotten about me. What about those times I was alone in a jail cell crying and wondering how I had gotten to such a low point in my life. And, what about that time, because the world TOLD me it wasn't murder, I took the life of my child?" And He said this, He said, "I was with you the entire time." So, then I asked, "God, what took you so long?" And, He said, "Well, you kept making pit stops to take pictures." Okay, fair.
And, I wept some more until it was completely gone. And, I realized all the relationships before were just crumbs. I realized I had made myself small. And, I'm not small. I mean, I am, but I'm not. My purpose is much bigger. And, all those little boys I dated who tried to make me small - that wasn't love. In fact, I'm not sure what that was. But, helplessly hoping (thank you Crosby, Stills, + Nash), I had an epiphany...or epiphanies...I had an epiphany that came in parts:
- The more valleys we travel through, the more empathetic we become to others. And, the more we can help the needy and show them the way.
- The lows you go through makes you appreciate what He gifts you with. Otherwise, you may take it for granted. I know I will cherish His gift forever and ever.
- They've killed off an entire generation in the womb and they've done it with our sons and daughters. And, now they wanna see us fight and kill each other. Don't do it.
You will need the eyes of a child:
Queue next song (it's about rain, too, and has a great redemption at the end):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6pB-wOfhrr0
And, then I remembered my Mom and Dad telling me that they pray for me every night. They never gave up hope on me. And neither did God. I want you to know something. God has a plan for you. God has not forgotten you. And, there is a LOVE so great, it's wholeheartedly worth finding.
One last thing - God works through imperfect people. It's so true. And, this is the MOST important thing, and I want you to remember this. If I die tomorrow, I want to you to remember this. A really special friend changed my perspective and life not to long ago. I'm seriously...she has gotten me out of some really crazy situations out here in the wilderness. First off, she reached out to me when I was out a really low point in my life. And, she did something different. She took me to church. And, I sat there in that seat and I just cried. I made is rain. Because I was so starved for truth. And, the church had hurt me so bad.
I have been so badly damaged by the church that sometimes I think it's an instrument of Satan. That's not to say all Churches. I'm not. But, there are a lot of bad churches out there. And, then afterwards, this friend took for Mexican. And, I don't don't know how she knew I was sitting there craving that the entire service. And, I sat there with her family. And, she shared this with me. And, I swear, Haley, I'm shaking right now. My entire body is shaking and it's hard for me to type this. You told me that FEAR and LOVE cannot exist at the same times. And, I looked at you puzzled. But, you ASSURED me that as long as I chose love I could always drive away fear. Don't you get it? You are part of my journey. When my transmission started falling out my car on the way back, the Lord was trying to wake me up there. When you tried to get me to move to Nashville? I ran...far, far away. And, I'm not running anymore. The storm is coming. And, I swear to you, I'm gonna make it rain. And, one more thing, I love you HARD! I can never make enough apple butter for this debt, Haley.
So, I know my purpose now. And, I have so many people to thank...and probably, a lot of people to apologize to. Even though, someone recently told me that it's all water under the bridge.
McFly, sail with me!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e5MAg_yWsq8
I wanna leave you with this gem from Abbey Road:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6qrDlRsARwk
I just remembered one last thing - there are gonna be people...haters who are gonna think I'm absolutely CRAZY and off my gourd. And, to that I say, "It's a good thing I don't give a SHIT what you think." I'm bringing back everything they took from us! GOD, Jesus, Love, compassion, community, FAMILY, art, and TRUE LOVE.
Dad, thank you for raising such a strong woman! Please take a listen:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WM7-PYtXtJM
Be the light,
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BGLGzRXY5Bw
Kimmie
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