Hello! Welcome back to "Colorado Kimmie" and Happy New Year! This is actually my first post for 2023. I've been working on a few other posts, but they're just not quite done yet. And, I wanted to get some content shared, so I hope this resonates with a reader who has some good goals for finding love in 2023. This post is meant as a guide for you, because I'm rooting for anyone open to love!
First, I want to share that I've been guilty of it in a good majority of my dating life: dating without purpose. If you are someone who dates without a purpose or any goal, just beware that you can become stuck in relationship purgatory. YES dating should be fun! But, void of goals or purpose or communicating what you desire out of the relationship (or any grounding), you're more likely to become a feather in the wind blowing around, not setting healthy boundaries for yourself, and not seeing signs of relationship doom (when to cut slingload, abort mission and save your precious time).
What exactly makes for a healthy relationship? To me, it's awareness, dealing with conflict in a respectful way, sharing values, and mutual connection (admiration and growing TOWARDS each other). Yes, I'm writing this for anyone (man or woman) who is seeking a mutually respectful long-term relationship in 2023.
The first thing to remember is that words are only words. Someone can tell you they love you and respect you; however, actions and patterns show how much someone truly feels about you as a long-term relationship partner. I'm about to lay out some major red flags that indicate you're in a dictatorship in which one person is only seeking dominance/control of you. It's easy to become fooled because many of these dictatorships begin with adoration and then slowly turn up the abuse. But soon you experience the devaluation stage and then the final discard which make you feel like trash.
Please note, I'm not a licensed counselor/therapist and my blog legal disclaimer outlines that my posts are merely for entertainment purposes. However, at 43 I feel like I have enough life experience, interpersonal and psychology interest, and dating under my belt to be able to share what I consider to be major red flags. As soon as you detect these, please do not discount them as a "one off" happenstance. Speak up immediately to address the concerns. The healthiest relationships are not the ones with zero conflict. The power couples are actually the teams that know how to have healthy discourse and build and get through conflict. On the flip side, the couples who don't last are the ones who never face conflict, stonewall the other, and hold grudges and silent treatments.
By addressing these things, you allow your partner to see and have self-awareness. However, if you address these and patterns immediately reemerge, you should RUN, not walk away from the disrespectful dictatorship. Most importantly, a healthy relationship should never be about losing yourself. Nothing that is FOR you will require you to sacrifice your lovely unique self, take away your voice, or tear away at your freedoms.
So let's jump in to red flags...(and to me these are all non-negotiables)
Name Calling:
This is any name calling whatsoever. Whether it's "Annoying," "Stupid," "Crazy," name calling does nothing to build towards you. To the contrary, it pushes you away. A lot of times it's followed with, "Can't you take a joke?" "You're too sensitive!" Not only does name calling do absolutely nothing to resolve conflict, it actually causes more of it!
Constantly interrupts you, belittles you, silences you, talks down to you like you're a child, or gives you the look (usually eye roll), mainly shuts you down:
This behavior indicates that they don't really give a shit about anything you think. Sorry not to sugar coat it, but you need to hear this. If you are sharing something you are passionate about and you get shut down by statements like "I don't care," that's not only rude and inconsiderate, it's a clear indication that the person is not seeking connection TOWARDS you, but only dominance and control OVER you. Further, a really intimidated + insecure partner silences a voice of truth or passion. Any partner who is working towards a connection with you will never take away your voice or freedoms of expression. Ever! In fact what you'll find out is if you stick around long enough - what they think is always more important that what you think. You'll even find them bringing up the exact same topics they didn't want to hear you speak about, because it's only important when they talk about it.
No independence:
Controlling or crazy jealous behavior! If they question every time you're on your phone EVEN when they're doing something else as well, it's a flag. Any controlling or jealous tendencies indicate that they are internalizing some major trust issues from the past and projecting them onto you. A healthy mature relationship has complete trust. A lot of women, especially, will take trust issues as flattery at first, but it's not. And, it gets progressively worse. It is not your job to remedy these deep rooted trust issues. They need to be in a therapist's chair. In fact, I read somewhere that a lot of people are in therapy to heal from those who refuse to go to therapy. Is that not ironic? If there is no trust, RUN - FLAG!
Use your insecurities or vulnerabilities against you:
When you share a painful part of your past or open up about anything that requires a level of vulnerability and this information in turn, is melted down into bullets to shoot back at you? That's just mean spirited! This is belittling and hurtful and definitely not building any connections towards you. It's a major FLAG!
Calling all the shots and never consulting with you:
Suddenly you find yourself having all plans made for you without deciding together. It's never anything you want to do, EVER! Your personal interests and suggestions or ideas about what to do are often discarded.
Overly Critical and Extreme Highs and Lows:
You never feel like you're good enough! The benchmark is always moved. Even when you're trying to do a favor, you are criticized for doing it wrong. One minute you get this hot feeling and the next minute a really cold feeling. It's not only mixed signals, it's not knowing which person you're going to get so you end up being pensive with a sick nervous system because you feel like you're constantly walking on eggshells and they could explode at any moment.
Telling you how you should feel as opposed to validating how YOU truly feel:
This behavior indicates legit ZERO self awareness. If you're constantly being told "It's no big deal," "you're taking it wrong," "you're too sensitive," and just they are constantly invalidating how something made you feel, it's showing zero connection. The cold truth: Someone can demonstrate zero interest to understand you, EVEN when you're by their side sitting right next to them. You are just a warm body next to them who they can dominate and control.
Silent Treatment:
Silent treatments are immature, rude, dysfunctional, and manipulative to the core! This behavior includes turning away from you while you're talking or texting about your feelings and is completley devoid of any loving connection Refusing to talk or engage with you, also known as stonewalling someone, keeps any issue in constant gridlock and never resolved. It's selfish and a complete power move. Even worse, they can't talk about any emotions and refuse to acknowledge your emotions every single time conflict arises. FLAG!
Lying:
It doesn't matter what kind of lie it is or if it's a little white lie. Gaslighting is the biggest concern - when you bring up something that was said and it's outright denied. Gaslighting will eventually make you question your own sanity! FLAG!
Do any of these sound familiar and maybe patterns of flags you're not picking up or noticing?
Hopefully this post is helpful too you on your 2023 dating journey. If I've missed any important ones, leave me a comment below. You've got this, and I'm rooting for you! Dating requires you to get out of your comfort zone, be authentic, and be vulnerable. Pay attention to your gut, your nervous system, and how you personally feel around a potential life partner. Don't discount red flag behavior. Behavior, not words, is the true indication of how they feel about you. Most importantly, the right person will make you fall in love with yourself too!
Love,
Kimmie
