"Silent Tears Hold the Loudest Pain"
"Can we please stop associating strength with someone's ability to smile through tears and suffer through silence. Strength is being brave enough to talk about what's killing you on the inside." Unknown
Last year, when the "Me Too" movement gained notoriety, I contacted them to share my story. At first, I was so excited to be able to say, "This happened to me! And, I want to help others through the trauma!" Fairly quickly I learned they were/are completely disinterested in my experience. I reflected long and hard and realized that my story and my truth didn't fit the "Me Too" narrative. And, sometimes when your truth doesn't fit a narrative, it's not appreciated very much. And, that's okay.
A few things I'll say about how I personally feel about the Me Too movement before moving on with my story. The movement does share the following facts:
1) It really bothered me to see Hollywood starlets wait decades (when had beomce filthy rich) to finally come forward and speak out about the sexual abuse they encountered in the industry. It bothers me because each one of these women had the opportunity to stop decades of abuse suffered by many more women just starting their career or generations coming up. To me, the true hero of the sexual abuse in the workplace is the woman in the chicken factory with 3 kids who lost her job because she reported her manager for harassment/abuse.
2) Just like in war, there are no winners...not the whistle blower and certainly not the employer. The only winners are the lawyers and the legal system, as they both profit greatly. There's an African proverb that says: "When two bull elephants fight, the grass is sure to lose."
3) Coming forward as a whistle-blower in today's information age can and certainly will ruin your life. My lawsuit happened over two decades before we all knew the power that Google search and the information age would wield. My attorneys have told me they had no idea what happened to me could even happen.
4) People will come out of the woodwork trying to find you. Suddenly other victims of abuse look to you as an advocate. It takes several years to heal from the process. It's not necessarily your job to be an advocate for other victims, at least not immediately. It's your job to heal. It's like on a airplane, when they tell you to put your oxygen mask on first before helping others.
(5) When your reputation is harmed, it'll cost upwards of $10,000 for Reputation Defender (who we hear advertised on the radio as if it's commonly available to everyone) or other similar services to "bury" the leaked legal documents. In other words, they won't take it off the internet, rather, they promise to bury it so deep that it would take a lot of persistence to find it. Additionally, no one, not even your lawyer is interested in helping you. When minors are abused, their names are "John Doe" in legal documents. However, when grown adults are victims of harassment and abuse, your full legal name is used. I called so many people to ask that they take my name out of the document and I was told that the document in it's entirety was necessary for other lawyers to be able to learn. That still doesn't make sense to me. My name has little to do with the "bones" of the legal case. My experience was "ipso facto" and stands on it's own.
6) The movement has been weaponized to hurt men. The media coverage I've encountered pit women against men and do little to cover the men who have also been victimized. I even know men in my family who have been victims of sexual harassment, some who had their entire careers blackballed and ruined by women in power.
MY STORY:
As I mentioned before, it was my first job out of college. I can remember my 22 year old self, so innocent and naive and thinking that I, as a woman, could really make an impact and be a top ranking executive with hard work ethic and loyalty to my career. I was hired in as a Manager Trainee, and I was promoted twice and assigned three different branches (to build on my curriculum of knowledge and help each branch grow sales) within a year. Finally, my hard work paid off and I had been promoted to an Assistant Manager in East Tennessee.
Within the first few weeks of my new promotion, a Manager (ranked above me) at a nearby branch contacted me to have dinner with him after work. He cheerfully welcomed me aboard at his old branch location and congratulated me on my success. He gave the impression, and again I was young and extremely naive, that he wanted to help see me grow in my new environment and be as successful as he was.
I was so excited and agreed to meet him at one of the two restaurants, at the time, in Greeneville, TN (small town). It was a small Italian restaurant with dark booths and low lighting. I sat down at the booth and I recall him grinning at me and saying: "No shop talk, okay?" Before the dinner was over, he had propositioned me to come back to his place for sex. Not expecting any of the conversation to go as it had, I let him down as gently as I knew possible. The dinner ended, and feeling almost guilty and apologetic like I had done something wrong, I insisted on picking up my own dinner.
We parted ways, and I felt so weird about the entire scenario. I kept it all to myself. The following days, rampant sexual rumors began to circulate about me. My immediate manager laughed about them and told me that he had been talking about me with "the boys." I had shown him my new smart phone at dinner, and he had started a rumor that I got my phone by "fucking pilots at the airport." I was crushed. I had worked so hard to get where I was and now I was being targeted by a manager I wouldn't agree to have sex with. The rumors kept going.
Again, Greeneville is a small town (population today is 14,898), and he knew the guy I was dating at the time. He located my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend and told her about me and my address. She apparently was working through some issues and decided to come over to my apartment one night and throw her shoes at my window. She kept yelling for me to stay away from her ex. We had a shared intranet, and he would go into my branch and flip numbers around and do things to sabotage my work. I was called names like "Slut," "Whore," "Tease," "Creamberley," "Fire Crotch," and other derogatory names. One day a company-wide email circulated about me. It was a story about a redhead named Kimberley who came home every night to drink Scotch and cry to her stuffed animals.
I reached out to him and begged him to stop. He said that he could make my life easy or he could make things much worse for me. That night I went to a bar where our company was having a mandatory team meeting. He was there. The company bought us beer and shots and I got intoxicated. I was walking out to my car with a coworker (a subordinate) and I started crying hysterically. I confided with him what was going on, and he said he knew. And, then he, a married man, grabbed my face and started kissing me during my moment of extreme vulnerability. I jerked away, surprised he would use that moment as a way to be intimate with me. And, I sat in my car and cried. I was so embarrassed. I had no friends and sat alone at the team meeting. At that moment my dad called. I was crying so hysterically my dad could barely even understand me.
My dad encouraged me, though I initially fought back, to report the harassment (both quid pro quo and hostile work environment), using the Employee Handbook. I flipped to the chapter regarding harassment. The next day I reported my grievance to my immediate supervisor as the handbook instructed. He told me, "Kimmie, you're committing career suicide if you press this. You should just let it go." I told my boss that I wanted it handled, because I could not endure the current "work" environment. He told me he wanted nothing to do with it. So, I sent an email to my area manager. I got no response. In a week or two I was instructed to come to the Corporate office about an hour away for Assistant Manager training. While I was sitting among a group of my peers in training, both my area manager and regional manager walked in and asked me to come with them.
I was taken down the hallway and into a small room with just a desk and no windows. The two men sat across from me. The Regional Manager said: "So we heard your daddy (condescending term) thinks you're being harassed. Do you think you're being harassed?" (I know now this line of questioning was used to put me on the defensive). I honestly didn't know what to say, other than "yes." Then they looked at each other and the regional manager asked, "So what is it you want us to do about it?" (This question should never be asked by anyone who has any iota of training in workplace harassment or any professional decorum). I replied that I just wanted it handled so my work environment was conducive to my success with the company.
They scheduled a meeting two days from that training date. The day of the meeting, at the last minute and when my branch was very busy, I was asked to arrive an hour early. When I showed up, I was taken into a room again with the two managers. They proceeded to tell me that they had conducted an audit of my branch while I was at the Assistant Manager's meeting and read out a list of all my alleged shortcomings (what was odd here is that my immediate Manager got no reprimand for an audit showing deficiencies of his branch. I was his Assistant Manager). They acted extremely disappointed in me and told me that since it was my first failed audit I wouldn't be fired. Instead they told me they were suggesting a transfer. I had just signed a lease in Greeneville. I was holding back tears. They told me they would be getting with me within the coming days to discuss my transfer.
Then, my harasser walked in. Both managers got up to high five and fist bump him in front of me. I sat there unable to move or swallow my own spit. (this was a form of psychological warfare letting e know I had been defeated). Everyone sat down and then all three men all looked at me, all from one direction (like I was a shooting range target). My area manager asked me to start the meeting by telling my abuser what I wanted to see happen. I was so caught off guard and scared, I didn't know what to say. I was speechless. I meekly told him that I just wanted him to leave me alone so I could do my work. He laughed and told me he didn't realize I was so bothered by him and that he would make sure not to continue any behavior I felt "was insulting." He admitted it, but he was among confidants.
Two days after that meeting, I was called into the corporate office again to discuss my transfer. I was told to drive a cargo van owned by the company. When I arrived, I was asked to hand over the keys to the company vehicle. The two managers were present and an HR representative. Termination papers were slid across the table, complete with COBRA (healthcare insurance benefits) paperwork. My regional manager explained: "We have decided we just don't want people like you working for the company." I was speechless again, and picked up the paperwork trying to read it while holding back tears. I was then asked to leave.
I went and sat out on the curb while I waited for my ride. Luckily my dad was in town conducting business and was able to come pick me up. I remember he went inside while I sat out in the car completely in shock. He got everyone's business cards and within an hour I was sitting in an attorney's office with dead eyes explaining the whole time line of events. I think my dad hit the angry stage much quicker than me. It took me months to get angry about what happened. The stages of grief are so strange. Some people take longer to process different stages than others. When you sacrifice so much, driving an hour each way to commute, working late hours, pitching in when people called in sick or quit, working outside in a dress and pantyhose in the heat of summer, waking up at 5 a.m. each morning to put on a suit and coming home at 7, working through every lunch, and relocating to a a small town. These are some of the sacrifices I made.
Going through the legal process was nothing short of a nightmare. The entire legal battle consumed three years of my life. That was three years that I couldn't heal and move on and I had to relive everything over and over again...every humiliating aspect and allegation over and over again. If you stand up against sexual harassment, you're either accused of being crazy or a slut. It's called "Nuts or Sluts" and it's where a victim is either categorized as a complete nut job or a whore that deserved it. I think we've all experienced when people who you thought were your friends are now in a conspiracy to railroad and gaslight you into thinking everything was made up in your head. Even, at times, you start convincing yourself that your attorneys are not even on your side. In their defense, attorneys cannot really get on an emotional level with you, because it would cause too much fatigue with their workload. And, I honestly tried my best to understand that during those three years.
A lot of times, fighting back against an unlawful termination can take more than three years, but where my ex-employer made a mistake and how I came to a quicker settlement with the company is that every victim of unlawful terminations has to go through the EEOC as the first step. While the EEOC was sending them paperwork, they potentially got so upset they denied my unemployment claim/benefits. This seemed egregious to everyone working on my case and seemed like another punishment for whistleblowing. Three representatives from the company showed up with, to my surprise, no legal counsel. My attorney was able to question them each individually (as they thought they would all sit in the hearing together and testify together). I sat across the table and listened as one of them told a much different story from the other under oath. So, we had that transcript to move forward with. Also, none of my alleged misconduct "write-ups" had my signature and seemed sloppily and quickly put together as a way to trump up allegations that the real reason I was fired was that I was a less than average employee. Up until my complaint, I attended MVP dinners and was receiving promotions and awards wtih the company. So none of it was adding up to the unemployment moderator or anyone else.
Sure, I found new employment during those years, but I had to drive to 450 miles one way to hearings, depositions, relive everything in emails and look over every single legal document my lawyers drafted. During those three years I shed so many tears. There were times I felt so alone in my battle, I sunk into a very dark place thinking this was how the world was going to be. At one point, I got so low I considered whether my life was even worth living. I made some poor decisions in those next years following, because I didn't love myself. I lost all trust in anyone with power or authoritative positions.
I remember at one deposition, the defense attorney asked me personal questions about my body and my private parts. I felt like I was being raped in front of a whole table of people sitting by listening and taking notes. They could ask anything, unlike in a court of law. At one point in a deposition, the defense attorney got up and threw a tantrum and hurled a pen towards me (the plaintiff) across the table, almost hitting me (it's all part of the theatrics). I was on my period during one deposition and asked to be excused a few times for the bathroom. The defense attorney announced to the room that if I took one more bathroom break he would insist on a drug test. There were so many times I witnessed this lawyer in a rage and it was scary. It was one of many intimidation tactics victims go through to try to get you to drop everything or make some sort of admission. And, for sticking through all of that, I do pat myself on the back. There were breaks during the day-long depositions and I walked out for some fresh air. As I walked past my ex-coworkers and their attorney, one of them took his fist and slammed it hard against a surface in order to scare me and intimidate me.
I signed a Non Disclosure Agreement, which means I cannot discuss any part of my settlement to include the monetary amount paid to me. And, trust me, I'm too embarrassed to tell you what a victim of unlawful retaliation/termination receives. But, I can tell you that my lawyers received a more than healthy cut of the settlement. I can't really recall how much time passed after the settlement that I learned someone had uploaded one of my legal documents onto the Internet. What took someone literally seconds to upload caused me so many years of hurt. I've actually paid for consultations with other other Employment lawyers about whether their client's documents were made public, and they have all stated that none of their clients had legal documents made public (on the Internet). I am not sure how mine became public, who made it public, but it did...become very public. My full legal name was published on a legal document called a "Summary Judgment." This is where in a lawsuit, the Defendant has an opportunity to draft a document asking the lawsuit be dropped in its entirety, basically stating the Plaintiff doesn't have a legal ground to stand on. If someone were to read all 26 pages of the document and had legal knowledge, they would know the Summary Judgment was denied and the judge found I had 100% legal standing.
Regardless, in the document, my ex-employer made so many ungrounded and defaming accusations and set out to make me look like a crazed person. They interviewed everyone within the company to try and find anything in my history or background that could smear my character and reputation. And, this Summary Judgment has been on the Internet for 20 years now. So, yes, I know what it's like to be defamed, humiliated, and damaged. And, it hurts, especially at a young age when you're just starting out in your career. There have been individuals throughout my life who have tried to used the document to harm me in my career. I wrote a blog piece earlier this year about a coworker who targeted me last year, because I wouldn't hang out with her. She saved the document and texted it to me and copied all my coworkers while they took turns laughing and mocking me for something so painful and that happened 20 years ago. She was young enough to be my daughter, too. And, I immediately thought she had no idea what she was doing. She had even studied pre-law at South Carolina, but I doubted she knew what the document was about. She was only concerned with defaming me in any way she could. I personally wouldn't wish what happened to me on my worst enemy. So, it left me to wonder how karma will eventually play out with her.
So, that's my story. Whistleblowers are always praised in public, but they are reprimanded and punished behind closed doors. If I didn't have the strong support system of my family, I wouldn't ahve stayed engaged in positive focus of the outcome and could have potentially harmed myself. It's THAT traumatic, believe me. Am I a fighter? Yes. But, have I learned that sometimes it's best to walk away and take the lessons with it? Yes, I have. I had just signed a one year lease, but sometimes, it's better to start looking for other employment and walk away.
My intent with this blog piece is to encourage every victim of sexual harassment, abuse, and unlawful retaliation to carefully weigh out your options, know that the process will take years (it's not a 30 minute episode of Law and Order), and also know the harm that could come to your name and reputation through the process. Only you can know if it's worth it. And, that is my story I wanted to share with the "Me Too" movement, had they been interested. And, now I'm sharing through this platform I created to tell my truth.
AFTERWORD:
If you have been abused, you are not alone. You are a survivor. My encouragement to you, from one survivor to another, is I hope you find the strength in whatever decision you make, and I hope you continue to be brave and strong. The advocates of the "Me Too" unfortunately don't share the negatie side of being a whistle blower. They don't share that survivors like me, for years (decades) felt so humiliated and robbed of inner peace. Having such false allegations published publicly was like one of those proverbial rain clouds followed me through my career path and even into my personal/dating life. And, it feels unjust because you never get your chance to share your side.
Then, like baby steps, one day I started sharing my story, first with the few people I could trust. Suddenly, I was an advocate and could open up to a complete stranger about my story without crying. When you can do that, you've healed, my friend. For a long time I asked myself if I had to do it over again would I change anything? And, the answer is, hind site is always 20/20, isn't it? I thought I was being courageous by fighting back and going up against a Goliath. And, in the end, it stole by peace. Can you ever really put a price tag on your peace? This is part of my life story and I now own it. Heck, I warmly embrace it. It's part of what makes me a strong and resilient human being. If I can survive that, I can survive quite a lot that life can throw my way. So, when life gives you shit, use it as fertilizer to grow and cultivate your garden.
By the way, I want to share, even after admission of what he did to me, my harasser went on to be promoted to an area manager and had a very successful career with the company. One of my friends recently asked me if I had looked him up and I said no. She did and told me he now has found Jesus and is the father of two beautiful little girls. I have now forgiven him for what he did to me. But, I sincerely hope his daughter never have to experience what he put me through in the workplace.
Much love,
Kimmie.
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