A Flying Leap Outside the Box

I was sitting in a salon chair when it hit me.  I was being socially conditioned to online date and stay in relationships that no longer served me as a way to "fit in."  Why was the fact I was inching up on my 40th birthday, never married and no family anywhere in my near future somewhat terrifying to me?  It's because that was my environment!  That's what seemingly EVERYONE was doing.  And, I was being constantly questioned about my life decisions.  And, women, c'mon, we know the ol' tick tock, tick tock, tick tock...which is nothing but fear of time.  Time should never be feared.

Also, there's nothing worse than "fitting in," is there?  My opinion, take it or leave it.  To me, fitting in suggests that you shed some, if not most, of the precious semblance of yourself in order to be accepted.  "Fitting in" might be the worst thing ever, really.  I'll hang on to my "weirdo" card, thank you very much!

You know, a lot of people have these awe-inspiring epiphanies while hiking Mt. Kilimanjaro or some super surreal adventure in the Galapagos.  But, nope, there I sat in that leather swivel chair staring at the beautiful woman in front of me (complete with alien-esque tin foils protruding out everywhere, which were over-processing and burning the shit out of my hair).  I found myself sparking off one solid truth after another.  And then, suddenly there I was making big plans for my life.  

What I had wanted from the universe was a partner!  Was that too much to ask?  I even, to a friend's suggestion, made out a list of what I specifically wanted: someone to love hard (and who loved me back hard), to laugh with (like, a 100% MUST), to travel with (who is also a foodie), to adventure with (a wonderful excitement for the great wide open), with amazing chemistry (hubba hubba), spiritual, a good kisser, preferably an accent, someone who is broken (and healed), and a generous soul to share life with.  But, plot twist...what if, and hear me out, what if that partner was me all along?  I mean, if you were meet yourself, would you like the person you are?  

The question also occurred to me: Was I writing (the author) my life, or was I a passive character allowing life to happen to me and waiting for something which, quite possibly may never happen?  (not AT ALL knocking the power of manifesting your future here).  It was one of the scariest feelings in the world, but as I sat there thinking about that question, this amazing feeling of freedom came over me and warmed my heart.  It was love.  Love for me and my life and my amazing mystery of a future.  The best was yet to come.  From that point forward, I would embrace being a strong, single, fierce, independent, brave woman!  And, I would do it with grace, humility and with the curiosity of a child.  I AM the author of my book.

Look, for anyone who knows me, I'm already one of those women who can eat alone in a restaurant and walk into a theater alone to see a movie I wanna see.  I raised to be an independent woman and make my own money and own decisions.  SIDE NOTE: growing up in the South, I guess it was considered faux pas to attend a movie alone.  I can recall so many of my girlfriends treating me like a social pariah when they learned I go to movies and eat out alone when I feel like it.  I remember the moment when I started going solo to the theater.  I had called a friend, Jeanine and asked her to see a movie with me.  And, she said, "well, I'll go but I really wanna see this."  So I agreed to HER selection of some cheesy rom-com, and the movie sucked so hard.  The entire time I wished I had just not called her and resented the fact I had spent $12 on such a lame flick.  And, from that point on I never begged anyone to accompany me to the theater ever again.  If I got the sudden notion to see a movie, I got in the car and saw that movie!  Back row, center seat.  FYI: The theatrer is not a social arena anyways (cough, yes that means you if you talk the entire time).  

But beyond independently eating and viewing cinema, I wanted to truly live!  I knew I wanted to come to the end of my life and have zero regrets about how I lived it.  Even my self-diagnosed terrible choices in men.  You will waste precious moments sitting around waiting on someone, but you will never waste a moment living your life to the fullest.  I read this the other day and I really felt it: You can always fix mistakes, but you can't fix regrets.

I made two goals at that time: (drum rollll, please...I never learned the art, so I'm so impressed by people who can drum roll with their tongue)

1) To take an international and epic trip alone.  To go to a place that would feed my soul.  (FYI: Waterfalls feed it pretty good).  To be scared, to be out of my element, and to be completely outside my comfort zone as much as possible.  (I have now lost count of all my solo trips, but Croatia was my first international solo trip, and I made friends and connections that changed my life for the better).  SUGGESTION: If you're gonna do it, go big!  Dive into the deep end.  I promise, you'll learn to swim real quick.  Also, if you wait until you're ready, well, you'll never go (because the truth is, we're never ready).   And, your trip doesn't have to be international!  There are State and National Parks everywhere.  Just taking a solo journey day trip can be so amazing (take your camera)!

2) To move from an environment that made me sick in order to spend the best years of my life healing and growing into the woman I was meant to be.  I spent 9 years of my life in a system of my choice.  Yes, I take 100% ownership in the fact that my life is a result of my choices.  And, it was only by my conscious choice to leave that I could begin to accept all the amazing gifts the Universe would bless me with.  I then begin to truly heal.  It's never too late to heal, and you never arrive at any destination.  The cool thing about self discovery and healing is this (a meme I saw on social media): "It's crazy, working on yourself never ends.  You get better, and then boom, not it's new shit you gotta work on.  You just be unlocking endless levels of growth."  What level are you on (p.s. it's a not a competition)?

If you're reading this, I hope you realize today how very special and loved you are.  And, if you have one person, just one person, cheering you on in life, you are truly blessed.  Namaste.

Kimmie